Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
