You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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