Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
