see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
