I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize