Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
