why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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