I met the friendliest cop last night
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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