I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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