did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
