SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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