You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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