I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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