so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I want to make a zoo with you.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
