I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
