Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
