You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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