I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
