Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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