What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
