i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
