i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
