I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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