Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
