just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
