Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
