Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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