Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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