I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
