Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
