All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
