Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
