his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
