my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
