im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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