my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
