looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
