We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
