Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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