why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
