There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
