I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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