I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
