god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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