i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
