Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
