the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
