My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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