I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize