This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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