There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
