I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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