it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
