I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
