i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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