Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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