Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
