just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
