omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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