My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
