She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
