i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
