Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
