My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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