i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
