Im at strip club and am horny
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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