I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
